On a positive note..

I have been a cribby of late .Have to change the line before the negativity gets the better of me.

Thinking positively, I do not have a lot to look into but I do not have lots to complain too.
I was the high energy one who wanted to to make the best use of every moment but now I am sinking into the shell so deep that I ve become the lethargic one. But then again thinking over it , I find so many around me who suffer.. who have had so many bad experiences that they cannot get over with.

I think of those times where I could have gone terribly wrong. I am reminded of those days when I fell in love, or so I thought , with a guy who would have been so wrong for me. Breaking out of it was a huge issue coz this is Kerala. Coz breaking out of a relation means u are a whore. I still cringe when I am reminded of those days. He trying to blackmail me , to lure me back. I had no major issues with him but I realized that he and I were so so different and so so incompatible. He was good as a friend. He was not abusive. But I still frown with worry when I think , what if I had given in to the pressure ..

I should be and am thankful to God for making me see things the right way at that point. I know I hurt him. But I couldnt go along just to make the people around happy.

I was inspired to write this post after reading Nags post on  Small-blessings .

Thank You for pushing me out of that negative mess that i was going through.

Let me be me ...

Where is the high energy me ? I do not have a clue as to how I can smoothen it out.
Understand me for once, I am no God , I am mere human.

I will make mistakes. Please , for heavens sake, do not eat my head for it.

If u want to get a job done ur way , then put ur head into it sometime.
Do not wait for it to be done to blast me on its bad execution.

Let go of those thoughts in your head. I am no way superior to  you.
I am not . I am not . I am not.
I believe in values. I believe in doing good , more good to those less privileged.
I know you believe so too.

You think I snub u . I dont. I dont.
Am not your enemy. You do not need to prove each time that I am a fool.
All this has been doing more damage than ever.
The ever confident me has gone back into the shell. I stammer when I speak.
My to-be collage appears blurred.
I do not want money. I ll make tonnes for you . But gimme happiness. I need it , i need fun, I need peace.

The panic attacks need to go. Oh !!! whom do I talk with.

Me with all the liberal ideas. Me with all the strong opinions. Where do I stand now.
Among the set of women who endure anything?
I want to be the old confident me. But Pran, I want him to grow up with ur love.
And so I go ahead , pretending that nothign has happened. I hope I can get today out of my mind soon too. 

God and we

I used to think of me as an angel. 

After being married and dealing with people to whom I get irritated without much reason , I have to admit that I am no angel.

I believe in being good to the poor, helping them financially as much as I can.

I ve always seen amma and achan doing that. I ve never seen them refuse a loan to a maid or a vendor . 

A lot of them misuse the trust, but they still continue to be the same. 

I tease amma about it, she pays the fish mongers extra , the ladies coz they are always in debt and trouble . 

Many a time we lose a good supply of fish coz the lady cannot pay amma and she stops visitng our house.

Amma for that matter does not ever expect that anyone poorer than her has to return the money.

Well, yes , many find that silly and foolish of amma . 

On the other hand she never forced me to pray, she never tells me that today is Akshaya tritiya ..have a bath before u have a morsel of food.

My laws are framed that way.. I understand and believe that there maybe logical angles to fasting. 

I mean , today is a monday, girls should not have rice at night.. says the MIL. 

I do not uinderstnad that logic.

I can only take it as a rule that was set by the grand daddys bcoz say the moon was closest to the earth, digestion wud be less on this day , so eat less.. 

And then there were many who wudnt obey and then they put in the name of god. 

But with each passing day I hear more and more such rules. They make new ones every year I guess. 

On the day of Vishu.. they woke me up at 3 am ... took me to the Kani and yeah I opened my eyes.. ok so far. I said a quick prayer in my head .. 

No that was not enough. MIL asked me .. sit down .. touch all the gods..pray like this..pray like that..pray for that.. and then the crowd sat around to judge how I was praying.

I could not. I pretended to. But I had the fake look in my eyes. 

I cannot understand why prayers and god have to be associated with dignity as it is coming to be. IfI pray lots. I am good.

People praying to get attention. People boasting about on how much they pray. God !!! 

My in-laws on the other hand are not so bad. But this  trait really puts me off. 

I want to tell out loud that u need to be a good human being .. The God that I beleive is not one of us. 

I cannot imagine him telling me.. see u ate non veg on a monday evening in 2012. So u go to hell. there that s the way.

U touched me when u had a period. Go go..hells the place for u.

OMG!!!

Pepper Doggy

I love the way you love your books.

Pepper doggy story (stoly , as u say it)
Barney story
noddy story
baby book,
animals book,
veggies book
stickers book

I hope you always love your books . Not that I like that you need a book to go to the potty even now.

The line between solitude and lonliness

He complains that I am a cribby , of late. Yes , I am.

Being 30 is not easy. Never did I imagine , never never did I think ,
that age would have so much importance on one's well being.

The silence is deafening.

This place is to blame. Not my age , or so I think at times. Not having frens with whom I can have a laugh is so damm depressing , all those who are over 28 are married with a
kid or two like me. But they are those mummy kinds with whom I can talk and
share thoughts and words on diapers and diaper rashes. But beyond that ,
they do not connect with me or my thoughts. Those below 24 , do not want me
in their group coz I am a lead, I am a senior. They probably bitch about my
crowd a lot and they do not want me there.

Its a tad bit different for a guy, the young gals do welcome guys of my
league into their crowd. But women are a big no-no.

I think I behaved the similar way too when I was a fresher. I was wary
about the senior women.

I love solitude and enjoyed the silence initally. But it soon drifted to
lonliness. I did not have a FB account till a few months ago coz I didnt
have time for it. Then I moved to this organization and I have no frens ,
no gangs , no sneaking coffee hours... So I have all the time in the world
for FB at office. And lonliness makes me check it every now and then .
I miss those coffee moments we had till few months ago, waiting for the
coffee breaks.. an hour or more of laughing and talking casually. Now its
coffee breaks with the moms of this new org. I go along discuss something
boring , read the days newspaper , go back to my seat .