The new house..

I am a minimalistic theme lover.

With the new house taking shape finally after two long and tiring years...I tend to disagree with a lot of people around on the house interiors.

I have already announced that I will discard all those tasteless showpieces that people are planning to gift us .

The MIL is not happy coz we do not have a glass showcase in the new house. I didnt want one.

The husband didnt want it either,

So with the old furniture.

She wants to clutter all these old pieces ... along with the classy new stuff.

No , the husband said .. AM glad.

I want to buy a couple of new bedspreads / sheets . but the finances are so tight and the ones I like are so damm expensive that I am in two minds.

Fabfurnish and Urban Dazzle .. with those wonderful things tempt me everyday... I almost fall but soon recover from them ...

I never shared his excitement for the new house.. but now ..today... after seeing it take shape... I am starting to share his feelings.

Where are the women in this city

I think  I keep saying .."When I was in Bombay ..."  a lot.

I loved it there, and I have not seen even a part of what Bombay had to offer. I loved the food.. I loved the freedom it had to offer... But now when I think of it what I loved most was the friends .

I met my husband there, we were just two mallus then.. meeting on weekends as part of the mallu gang get-together. And then we fell in love. I am happy with him today but I know that we would not have fallen for each had it not been the friends we had around us.
Life was so filled with entertainment and fun that I had to consciously take time off to call Amma back home.
Come weekend and we would all get together at one of our small flats and then decide on the menu..cook together / order stuff.. play cards.. fight.. sleep .. movies and then presto it would be two in the morning..and then someone would want to see marine drive just then.. we would take a cranky cab and go to see the queens necklace. Life was good.

Then we were all set to get married and he got an offer from this place. It was close to his hometown and that meant  a lot. Amma was alone at home and I felt I should be back too.. A few friends genuinely tried to talk to me out of it. But I decided that it was what his heart wanted and it was a good career opportunity for him..albeit a bad one for me.

We came here. I regret it :)

Since the past 5 years I am constantly searching for friends. Friends with whom we can share a lazy weekend. Friends with whom we can hop to the mall with. A friend to go window shopping. I attributed the lack of it to myself. Now I know its not just me. Its the place. This place is so full of the good Indian girls and I will never be able to find her here.

Now and then I meet people I like... but friendship ends at office here. Not more than that. I am still waiting .. now that the baby is growing up.. i get more space .. i can handle him while shopping... but i need a girl/woman friend. I hope I find her soon.

Help me , will you ? She asked him.

Her head felt so heavy. It was as though there were hundreds of rubber bands stretched within. 

She spoke to him about it. He was angry again.

She told him that she needed help. He asked her to get out of the mess before it was too late.

But she could not. She did not know what exactly the mess was. He did not know either.

But she was not her usual self. Usual as in , herself a few months ago.

The panic was rising. The panic was killing her.

She was having trouble with her ears too. The doc asked her if something was bothering her. She said NO coz her mom was near.

She was smart, she was a happy go lucky gal who had whatever she wanted in life. 

She topped the scores though she didnt put much effort and there she was ready to fly.

A few mistakes , emotions and sentiments made her choose the wrong career options. And then time flew fast and it was beyond her control . She was swept away by the flow. THe money kept coming and she daily slogged coz the money kept coming.

Then came her wonderful years of being the new bride , of being a wonderful momma and a good daughter.

Then she started losing herself. It started when he lost his cool over everthign that she did. 

And then she started to keep away from him to escape his wrath. The words , the temper .. she thought it was better if she was physically abused.

She kept to herself coz she did not want any1 to know about how she felt about him. She loved him. SHe wanted him to have a good name . she did not want to let others know that there was trouble in paradise. She tried to keep it within. She put on a happy face but he saw it through. He realised his mistakes but she was by then deep in her shell, in a world where she had none. He tried to bring her back but she was afraid of him . She could not even make conversation with him. He was an alien.

She started to shut people out and then she was being a vegetable. 

She wants to come out of the deep mess , the mess she cannot explain, the mess she does not want to jump out of. 

Help her , will you?

On a positive note..

I have been a cribby of late .Have to change the line before the negativity gets the better of me.

Thinking positively, I do not have a lot to look into but I do not have lots to complain too.
I was the high energy one who wanted to to make the best use of every moment but now I am sinking into the shell so deep that I ve become the lethargic one. But then again thinking over it , I find so many around me who suffer.. who have had so many bad experiences that they cannot get over with.

I think of those times where I could have gone terribly wrong. I am reminded of those days when I fell in love, or so I thought , with a guy who would have been so wrong for me. Breaking out of it was a huge issue coz this is Kerala. Coz breaking out of a relation means u are a whore. I still cringe when I am reminded of those days. He trying to blackmail me , to lure me back. I had no major issues with him but I realized that he and I were so so different and so so incompatible. He was good as a friend. He was not abusive. But I still frown with worry when I think , what if I had given in to the pressure ..

I should be and am thankful to God for making me see things the right way at that point. I know I hurt him. But I couldnt go along just to make the people around happy.

I was inspired to write this post after reading Nags post on  Small-blessings .

Thank You for pushing me out of that negative mess that i was going through.

Let me be me ...

Where is the high energy me ? I do not have a clue as to how I can smoothen it out.
Understand me for once, I am no God , I am mere human.

I will make mistakes. Please , for heavens sake, do not eat my head for it.

If u want to get a job done ur way , then put ur head into it sometime.
Do not wait for it to be done to blast me on its bad execution.

Let go of those thoughts in your head. I am no way superior to  you.
I am not . I am not . I am not.
I believe in values. I believe in doing good , more good to those less privileged.
I know you believe so too.

You think I snub u . I dont. I dont.
Am not your enemy. You do not need to prove each time that I am a fool.
All this has been doing more damage than ever.
The ever confident me has gone back into the shell. I stammer when I speak.
My to-be collage appears blurred.
I do not want money. I ll make tonnes for you . But gimme happiness. I need it , i need fun, I need peace.

The panic attacks need to go. Oh !!! whom do I talk with.

Me with all the liberal ideas. Me with all the strong opinions. Where do I stand now.
Among the set of women who endure anything?
I want to be the old confident me. But Pran, I want him to grow up with ur love.
And so I go ahead , pretending that nothign has happened. I hope I can get today out of my mind soon too. 

God and we

I used to think of me as an angel. 

After being married and dealing with people to whom I get irritated without much reason , I have to admit that I am no angel.

I believe in being good to the poor, helping them financially as much as I can.

I ve always seen amma and achan doing that. I ve never seen them refuse a loan to a maid or a vendor . 

A lot of them misuse the trust, but they still continue to be the same. 

I tease amma about it, she pays the fish mongers extra , the ladies coz they are always in debt and trouble . 

Many a time we lose a good supply of fish coz the lady cannot pay amma and she stops visitng our house.

Amma for that matter does not ever expect that anyone poorer than her has to return the money.

Well, yes , many find that silly and foolish of amma . 

On the other hand she never forced me to pray, she never tells me that today is Akshaya tritiya ..have a bath before u have a morsel of food.

My laws are framed that way.. I understand and believe that there maybe logical angles to fasting. 

I mean , today is a monday, girls should not have rice at night.. says the MIL. 

I do not uinderstnad that logic.

I can only take it as a rule that was set by the grand daddys bcoz say the moon was closest to the earth, digestion wud be less on this day , so eat less.. 

And then there were many who wudnt obey and then they put in the name of god. 

But with each passing day I hear more and more such rules. They make new ones every year I guess. 

On the day of Vishu.. they woke me up at 3 am ... took me to the Kani and yeah I opened my eyes.. ok so far. I said a quick prayer in my head .. 

No that was not enough. MIL asked me .. sit down .. touch all the gods..pray like this..pray like that..pray for that.. and then the crowd sat around to judge how I was praying.

I could not. I pretended to. But I had the fake look in my eyes. 

I cannot understand why prayers and god have to be associated with dignity as it is coming to be. IfI pray lots. I am good.

People praying to get attention. People boasting about on how much they pray. God !!! 

My in-laws on the other hand are not so bad. But this  trait really puts me off. 

I want to tell out loud that u need to be a good human being .. The God that I beleive is not one of us. 

I cannot imagine him telling me.. see u ate non veg on a monday evening in 2012. So u go to hell. there that s the way.

U touched me when u had a period. Go go..hells the place for u.

OMG!!!

Pepper Doggy

I love the way you love your books.

Pepper doggy story (stoly , as u say it)
Barney story
noddy story
baby book,
animals book,
veggies book
stickers book

I hope you always love your books . Not that I like that you need a book to go to the potty even now.